Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
