Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
