I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
