They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
