True but thats because hes a fetus.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
