Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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