I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
