all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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