who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
