not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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