I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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