Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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