i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
