I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
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