please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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