i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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