I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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