I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
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