He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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