She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
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i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
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it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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