Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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