the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
