I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
false alarm. still invincible.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Enjoy the penises
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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