If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
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she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
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i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I am never drinking with the goths again.