if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
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he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
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He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?