I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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