Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
