i already hear my dad disowning me
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
