just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Sober January is a disaster.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
