it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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