Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
