I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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