if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I just found a bag of teeth...
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
