I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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