Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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