When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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