just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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