Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
