Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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