she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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