I have demons in me.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
