You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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