You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
