I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
