We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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