Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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