It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I want to make a zoo with you.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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