The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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