i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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