I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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