im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
birth control should be required to get into college
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
