I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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