Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
