3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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