I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
