Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
