how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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