I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
You can't motorboat a personality
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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