that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
